Let's Talk About It: Blonde Men and Hurt

    This is a gay boy story about human problems.

Chapter 1: The boy and his beautiful Elizabeth Taylor eyes
    Last semester, there was a boy, there's always a boy. For the sake of his privacy, we'll call him Sid. Sid was blonde with the most amazing eyes I'd ever seen. Though he was short, which if you've seen me, you'll know that everybody is short to me, his body definition was on point. This is the way it happened. He friended me on facebook, we dm'ed for a while and then I gave him my number where then we switched to texting (I know, us kids and our technology). He was sweet, he was cute and I just liked him or at least the idea of him. But (yes there's always a but) he "wasn't gay." He was closeted and though I'm not closeted I went ahead because where I live, you either have the option of dating someone who's married, dating someone who only wants to fuck or dating someone who's "in the closet." Okay, I'm being a little dramatic, but I rest my case.

    Sid works at a well known retail establishment and he asked me to visit. I was nervous, like every millennial when we're faced with a face instead of a glowing retina display screen. I wanted to shop anyway, so I took my mom and sister along (they knew the plan) and off we went. When I walked in, my stomach felt a little nervous and honestly I could of barfed but I saved the dramatic scene for someone more deserving like Kate Winslet. When I saw him and he saw me, it felt good but instead of saying hi right away or coming over to me excitedly like I imagined in my head, he stood like a statue. He had to look around, make sure the coast was clear and then he went over and acted so discreet about everything.
     I had to ask myself, will it be like this all the time? Will he be constantly in fear of whether or not someone is watching us together? Will I have to wear a mask and hide the fact that I'm a boy? Will I ever really be able to get to know him if he's constantly living in hiding? ooooooooh I love that Jacket, do they have that in my size? Anyhow, I ended it. I had to, it wasn't that I was against someone being in the closet. Here was my thinking: We're at different levels, he's at a place right now where he hasn't been able to express his sexuality openly and that's okay but I'm at a place where I don't want to hide myself anymore and at the same token would like to openly share with facebook that I'm in a relationship. The big mistake was, I never really ended it, I just stopped texting him. I figured I was letting him down easy by not responding to his texts and by not talking it out period. (no pun intended, oh who am I kidding? I'm an English major, I love puns)
    Instead of confronting Sid about it, I let him go just like that and in the process I held onto guilt and couldn't let myself go on.

 Chapter 2: Dodging the boy at the Mall and other shenanigans

    As the months went by after we stopped talking, I could still see his facebook posts and although I loved the store he worked at I skipped out on going to get clothes because I couldn't face seeing him. Why is it that we do that? Why are we so afraid to face something? Why are we so afraid to confront the past? If I had the answers for you, trust me honey, I would give it to you straight. Yes, there was guilt about not giving him closure but even with other boys and friends who have come and gone in my life, it has been a struggle to face them after the aftermath. (okay these unintentional puns are scaring me) I often give my self a hard time so I introspected.

    I had to stop. I had to stop "letting someone down easy," I had to stop thinking that hurt was avoidable, I had to stop being a child and go to the damn mall and get the oversized T-shirt I really wanted, I had to stop being scared of my past and face Sid and anyone else who became "someone that I used to know." I gathered up all my courage and went to the mall and into the store of which he worked and he wasn't there. It was okay. I was okay. It didn't matter that he wasn't there and it doesn't matter that we will never have that closure (unless Sid is reading this then I'm sorry and I hope you're okay) because I was able to face the fact that he might be there, that he might ask some questions, that he might look at me with full hurt in his eyes.

   

Chapter 3: A gay boy human learns

    I wasn't okay with facing my past because I was too caught up with trying to avoid the hurt that I may have initiated on someone else and worse the hurt that was there with me all along. For me, hurt becomes numb and I don't really show my emotions right away, but eventually it all comes out and one way or another I have to deal with it.

    I believe that can be said for everyone. We're scared when we have to confront our past. Why? Because there's something there, I suppose, something that we don't want to face, an internal thing maybe. We're too scared to face something that we used to have that we can't have anymore because it hurts and when it comes down to it we'd rather watch a cat video than deal with it head on. OOOOOOOOOOH Cat Video, I'll be right back. What we have to realize is that hurt is inevitable and sooner or later we have to face what we already know for the sake of moving on. The well known philosopher Soren Kierkegaard once stated that

"Life can only be understood backwards; but must be lived forwards."

   Don't fight it, don't avoid it, face it, fall down, eat some chocolate and get back up.

xoxo,

Jacob

Jacob Henrie is a gay boy human with many passions. On his free-time Jacob can be found at the mall spending his entire pay check on clothing or smothering his teacup poodle, Luxy. He can be reached on Facebook or Instagram.