As a college student, it seems like I’m defined by whatever field I decide to study. People base my worth off the degree plan that I’m pursuing. There are some that would prefer to keep their judgement to themselves however, most people tend to give out their candid opinions with their most sincere and judgmental expressions. All college students have seen these expressions in action with either a family member, friend, or stranger that give you the whole “what are you studying” formality after you notify them of your student status. (If you haven’t experienced this then just search any Buzzfeed video with the keyword “college student”.) If you find yourself answering this question with something like Engineering or Accounting they’ll say, “Great choice! Lots of jobs! Good for you.” (also known as some kind of patronizing BS). Or if you respond with a notably high risk degree as an answer people will condescendingly express pity and ask, “What are you planning on doing with that?” It doesn’t matter what side of the spectrum you are in, you’ll probably find these interactions to be annoying. Seeing as they can lead us to feel inadequate or can diminish the worth of our dreams. People don’t seem to understand that you make the decisions that you make because you know yourself, your qualities, and your aspirations better than anyone. As much as you remind yourself that you don’t need to conform to another person’s definition of success, society puts too much pressure on the inevitability of the future. We are constantly led to reflect on our longterm goals. This pressure can lead to stress and frequent existential crises. Which is not ideal…
I have been dealing with this form of anxiety since high school. Due to the structure of my school, I was forced to decide what major I wanted to pursue from the very first day. I guess at that point they expected me to have some kind of idea about what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I didn’t. What can I say, I was/am a teenager, I can’t possibly be expected to figure it all out by fourteen. For the next four years, I was regularly changing my decision. I kept on going through existential crisis after crisis in order to discover my passion. During this journey, I desperately wanted to find something that I could be better at than anyone and I constantly feared being labeled as inadequate by others that shared the same passion. Those requests were impossible and I constantly let those wretched feelings of inadequacy consume me. I was just your average angst-filled millennial dealing with a premature quarter-life crisis.
It wasn’t until December of 2013 that I was finally inspired to not let fear of inadequacy control my life. It was the last day of a very grim term. The day before I had accidentally spilled tea on my laptop. I wasn’t looking forward to a computer-less holiday. (At least I was wearing a very cute Christmas tie, which my mom bought me from the dollar store, that played a merry tune when you pressed a button.) After the school day had ended, I went to my English teacher’s classroom to wait for my friend Vanessa, whom I bummed rides off at the time. She was at an officer’s meeting for the Community Service Organization at my school and it lasted forever. To pass the time, I was organizing the books that were out of place, fixing the order of the markers, and re-reading all the motivational posters on the wall. Suddenly I noticed a new poster near the door. It had a quote and under it said - Nelson Mandela, 1994 Inaugural Address. Since Nelson Mandela had just recently passed away, the media had been reflecting on his influence as an icon of peace, therefore, I wasn’t surprised to see Ms. Clarke honor his passing with a poster adorned on her wall. I read it, and I was instantly moved. I realize that it is so cliché to be inspired by motivational quotes but, at the time, it said what I needed to hear.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
I spend the rest of my Senior year working on not fearing inadequacy and Senior year turned out to be the best year of high school! As for my quest of self-discovery, I learned that it’s okay to be mediocre at being an all-around person (What kind of person is able to be good at doing everything? If Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius can’t do it, then who can?) and being able to be better at something than anyone else is a ridiculous request (unless you’re that specially designed snowflake that was bred at birth to be good at that one thing). Sure, from time to time, I get those horrific and sporadic pangs of inadequacy. At least now I can handle them, exceptionally.
Since I’m kind of an expert at dealing with these feelings, and I’d hate to see any of you go through this, I’d like to pass on the torch on how to get over fear of inadequacy. Here are my words of wisdom.
1. Knowing Your Worth
As much as we’d like to be as flawless as Beyoncé the universe chose only her to be the Queen B. Knowing your worth is the first step towards salvation from the terrifying feelings of inadequacy. You need to be able to realize that you are your own individual. You are complex, three-dimensional, and important! You have different attributes, and various interests. Knowing your worth means reflecting on all of the awesome and unique qualities that you embody, including your experiences, your feelings, and your weaknesses. You should not be undermining yourself during this process. Be honest with yourself. No one should know you better than you know yourself.
It’s great to be able to realize why you’re at where you’re at. Here are some examples on how to get there. Ask yourself: Why am I here? Am I good at this because I’m naturally gifted and/or worked hard to be where I’m at? (Neither being a bad reason.) Do I love what I’m doing? If not, then why am I letting myself be doing something that sucks away my soul? I hope that this is a good starting point for yourselves.
2a. Surrounding Yourself With People That Appreciate You
Relationships are important. Whether they be with your parents, siblings, friends, etc., it is crucial to have a good crew behind you. If someone cares about you and you them, then there needs to be a mutual appreciation and love for one another. They will root for you and be excited for your successes. They will also be there for you when you didn’t get the job, or if you didn’t get into the school you were hoping on getting into. They don’t necessarily need to be vocal about their love but, they will continuously reaffirm their friendship with you by all the great things that they do for you.
2b. Kicking Poisonous People to the Curb
We’ve all had friends who are too self-obsessed to be good friends. They’re prone to be annoyed by your problems and will only be there if they can get something out of it. They might only want to hang out when it helps them. They’ll use your insecurities against you. Poisonous friends suck and don’t deserve you! Those people should come tagged as trigger warnings because they’re are only going to be piling more crap into your life. By now you should have gotten to know your worth. And, know that you’re worth more than friending that type of dreadful person! If you feel that dumping them as friends is something you’d rather ignore, because it doesn’t sound like a very friendly thing to do, then please take the advice from this kitten in a mug.
(http://www.rachelbrathen.com/releasing-toxic-people-from-your-life/)
If you feel like your friend/s can redeem themselves, then have a genuine heart-to-heart with him/her/them. If they’re too rotten to take your feelings into consideration then you should really consider stripping them of their friendship status.
3.Working For Your Dreams
(I sincerely apologize for the very cliché implications of the next thing I’m going to say.) You can’t just walk-the-walk, you gotta work on that walk. We are not born into this world with the ability to walk. We gotta stumble and fall before we can take those first steps. This also applies to your dreams. In order to progress, you need to move forward. Remember that you need to learn, study, and practice before you can master anything.
If this still doesn’t convince you, I hope nostalgia will. Ash Ketchum, also known as one of the most clueless characters from Pokemon, didn’t get to become a Pokemon Master by just pointing out Pikachu’s cuteness. He worked for it. He attempted to catch ‘em all. He cared deeply about his Pokemon and he listened closely to the wisdom that the Pokedex communicated to him. And, look at were he is now… (Still ten after about-twenty years. Never aging.)
(https://36.media.tumblr.com/e7cd89cc67331fa11ae8a437ed3e7500/tumblr_ngylsxoxS91r3ifxzo1_500.png)
4. Not Taking Into Account the Judgmental Meanies
As stated at the beginning of this never-ending article, people tend to be absolutely candid when stating their blunt opinion. Some things are said to help you succeed by those that love you and some things are said to make you feel bad about yourself. Let’s face it! There is a very fine line between an opinion being a constructive criticism or it being a comment made out of pure malice. You can probably make that distinction by the tone one uses. Since you already know your worth by now, those rude comments shouldn’t faze you. Remind yourself that you’re more than those nasty remarks. Haters are only going to be able to hate. Embody the boss spirit that Taylor Swift is currently owning and don’t take into account those meanies.
5. Embracing the Beauty of Imperfection
Sometimes things are going to turn out horrendous. Life is just this terrible mess full of nuisances, jerks, and unluckiness. Everything happens…If you insist in getting a reason then think about how those hours of terribleness help us enjoy and appreciate those rare moments when everything goes as planned. If something doesn’t pan out, remind yourself that somewhere over the rainbow everything will be fine. And, has been fine before.
6. Treating Yourself to a Good Cry
Sometimes you just have to feel all the emotions that you’ve been suppressing. You gotta let it out. There are many ways of doing so in a safe environment. (1) Ranting it out with a friend that you trust. Maybe you just need someone to hear you out. Maybe you need to get an opinion on all your thoughts and arguments from a different perspective. A trustworthy friend will definitely be there to hear you out and to offer their shoulder when you need it. (2) Taking yourself for a drive can soothe you enough towards calming down or, if you’re like me, it can allow you to release all the anger you’ve built up and express it towards idiotic drivers. Within the comfort of your car you can be yourself. You can sing really loud. Spew bad words without feeling guilty. As long as you remain alert to the changing conditions of the road and promise you’ll be safe out there, you’re allowed to use this method in letting your feelings out. (3) Create a playlist of songs that trigger any strong feeling and listen to it loudly. It doesn’t matter if it’s a sad song, a break-up song, an angry song, allow yourself to express your feelings. (Stay away from happy songs during this process since happy songs tend to focus on all the nice and yuppie stuff. Then, you’d probably feel guilty for needing to feel it all. At least this is true for me.) The band that I credit the most with helping me feel it all is The National. Their 2013 album “Trouble Will Find Me” is very important to me. Matt Berninger’s baritone voice and sentimental lyrics are what keep me sane in this world.
(http://assets.rollingstone.com/assets/images/album_review/the-national-trouble-will-find-me-608x608-1368715051.jpg)
(Parks and Recreation)
7. Shaking It Off
Bad vibes can’t feel you now, I’m too busy shaking it out. (That is not a song.) Shaking it off is when you bring in the fun and upbeat songs that you purposely left out in the last step. Do whatever you have to do to snap out of it (or shake it out) after letting it out. Dance, laugh, love, do any verb that motivational posters empower you to do. Since music can be a big factor in our emotions, I encourage you to listen to something that makes you cheerful. Listen to Taylor Swift’s “1989” or The Arctic Monkey’s “AM”. They’re bound to make you want to dance, live, and enjoy life.
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/f/f6/Taylor_Swift_-_1989.png)
(http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/61emLqdQ8QL._SL1200_.jpg)
8. Know That Not Everyone Might Be At Your Level
Everyone is always trying to figure it out. No one has it all planned out. So, if someone is dealing with existential crisis after crisis, there is nothing more you can do than be kind and offer them advice.
<3
- Vianey
Vianey is a nineteen year old self-identified ranter who can be easily wooed by funny three dimensional TV characters. When she is not watching sitcoms, confiding in her pets, or dancing sporadically, she posts every Friday on "Kaleid-Eh-Scope".
