Playlist: "WIP Summer"

It is currently raining. I have spend the past hour drilling assumption questions for my upcoming LSAT examination. Or, better said, I more or less wasted an hour because I could not be bothered to make sure I was putting my answers in the correct area.

Anyways, this summer has been a surreal and strange experience for me. In the final days of Spring, I was told that I needed to welcome change into my life in order to be a more complete person. So, I have been trying to improve myself. I tell myself to...Be more willing to try new things! Be less egotistical! Be more humble! Be more positive! Do not overthink silly nonsense! Be more present! Do not beat yourself up! Work harder! Do not be apathetic! 

Although this is a well-meaning endeavor, I have had to endure some awkward situations of me leaving my safety net or peer pressure. Which is not necessarily bad but different.

On the other side, I feel like the distinction between the girl I was in my teens and the girl who is currently in her twenties is more apparent. I am less angsty and insecure however, there is more to be done before I am to become a Totally Together Woman. (TTW)

The best way for me to characterize this Summer (2016) is a season where everything is Work in Progress (WIP). Whether it is me bettering myself, or me building the skills to do my best for my LSAT. And, the music that I have been listening to definitely fits into that theme.

Without further ado, I prepared a playlist of songs that I am currently listening to that characterizes my summer. I hope you enjoy!

(Also the artwork's image is open to the public domain. I did this strategically because your homegirl does not want to get sued!)

You can listen to it on Spotify

<3

- Vianey 

So...Are You Gay or Not?

When I started high school, I crushed hard on a boy sitting across from me in chemistry. I had angst, I brooded, I tried and failed to speak to him, and the crippling blow: I daydreamed like crazy. After a semester of feelings, I moved on and realized with a peculiar twinge, that I hadn’t liked him that much. Like the masochist I am, I loved pining. I loved the chase, being chased, the banter, and flirting. 

It seemed though that my pining took it up a notch senior year. I had unwittingly put away in a box my attraction to women. And my heart was not going to let me live a life without experiencing my true sexuality at least once. It’s weird explaining this to straightforward heterosexuals. I’d imagine it’s hard to understand if never experienced. 

What do you mean you didn’t know you liked girls? Didn’t you ever think about them? How could that have barely clicked at the age of 17? 

Stray, but strong thoughts breezed past me ever since I was a little girl. I remember staring at my friend in 1^st grade. I remembered the constant panic in 2^nd grade having to unnecessarily reassure my mom that when I said I liked Jordan, I meant the boy, not the girl. But growing up your whole life never knowing you could have both cake and pie is weird. 

I didn’t feel gay. I had pined for my fair sure of good looking boys. 

I didn’t feel straight or bi-curious. Girls are so pretty and nice. 

Inevitably, I got to where everyone does: the “thin line” between straight and gay. For some, it becomes evident. Yes! The opposite sex rules! For others, my sex always did have everything going for them. It becomes a confusing mess for all others.

Although, I’d finally heard of bisexuality or at least being bi-curious through songs like Katy Perry’s I Kissed a Girl, it was still taboo. I judged myself. Why couldn’t I pick? I was just being slutty. How dare I even think about girls like that? NO ONE CAN KNOW. 

Senior year, I fell in love with a girl, but more than that I learned a lot about myself. Empowered with knowing that I was bisexual, I came out a week later. Although I love my parents, all you need to know about that experience is that being who I am continues to affect me 3 years after that night.

I felt broken by the experience and began to repress my bisexuality. I started identifying as a lesbian to reaffirm my relationship and my feelings. When the relationship ended, I realized that I never did stop being bisexual despite all the love and commitment I had felt for that person. 

I talked to a therapist about, among other things, my sexuality. It became a huge pillar to who I was. And if I didn’t know the answer to that, then maybe my feelings were invalid. Maybe I was a slut. And maybe, all the negative thoughts and feelings I had were right. 

While flying to Washington D.C., I was looking out the window thinking about that, trying desperately not to burst into tears. My gay angst knew no bounds as I listened to Let it Go. Once again, a song saved me. It became unnecessary to be so hard on myself. So maybe I was a lesbian! IT DIDN’T MATTER, I’D STILL BE CLARA FIRST. So maybe I was bisexual! STILL CLARA! Sitting in the plane, thinking about the distance from the negative people in my life and my problems, I realized I had myself in the end and I would love other people in my life. 

Their sex identity didn’t matter to me, because I knew that I’d always fall like I did for that boy. I’d chase like a stray puppy and get bored like a house cat when I had them. And soulmate or not, I had myself.

Figuring out your sexuality is very difficult and for many, it will never be an answer set in stone. You will always be moving side to side, up and down, on and off that spectrum. Your sexual identity is empowering when you realize that what you bring to it is what matters! People will question you if you reinforce or thwart your identity’s stereotypes. 

You’re a lesbian? Oh, my god; you’re so pretty though. 

You’re gay, aren’t you? Why do you act so feminine? Being gay doesn’t mean you have to act gay.

(Sidebar: What the hell does that mean anyways? Are heterosexuals tracking our behavior patterns or something? Watching us in the wild? God knows how many times I hear: omg I can spot a gay right away! Like we’re wild animals getting flagged down by hetero-safari trips. If you are on this hetero-safari trip, get off)

 

Knowing your sexuality is amazing, but so is knowing that you’re a complex, unique individual.

You do you.

The rest will follow.

An Honest Analysis on Being A Manic Pixie Dream Girl, Foolishness, and Shielding Oneself

First things first, I am not your little plaything. I am not your manic pixie dream girl. So, when you reduce me to compliments such as “babes”, “quirky”, or “hermosa” you are denying my personhood. You are making me into a toy that you can manipulate whenever you see fit. You are placing unrealistic expectations that are far removed from my actual self. You are twisting me into something that is not me. I am not a single-synonym individual. There is more to me than just your synonym. I am a multi-faceted boss bitch that does not need you (or someone like you) to survive. I do not exist for you or your aesthetic. I solely exist for me.

This might sound harsh but I am beyond exhausted of only placing value on myself based upon the crappy perspective of someone else. You might lift me up and make me feel important, and I would like to believe in everything you say you believe in; but at what cost? Why do you only compliment me when it is convenient for you?

For that reason, I have decided that I do not wish to be important for you unless I decide to make myself an important person to you. Only after you have gone through this filter, are you allowed to prioritize me however it seems fair. Until then, I thank you for your kind words that feed my ego. Please prove yourself to be as kind as your words. But, maybe this time be more honest with me.

On the topic of honesty, let me be candid. The aforementioned paragraphs that attempt to depict me as a boss bitch will not totally protect me from acting like a fool. I am a fool. This does not change. Foolish women (or men) accept admiration and love of any kind because flattery will always satisfy our narcissistic souls.

Being desired and being loved is something that everyone regardless of venue aspires to have. One can meet this human desire through friendships or romance. Both sorts are hard to maintain. Relationships require effort, dedication, loyalty, genuineness, on each side of the equation in order for the partnership to be healthy. This is no secret. Although, a man (or woman) is only as good as their word, in my experience, people would rather fake trying than exerting effort. (Myself included.) So, when things inevitably do not work out, we become emotionally detached monsters that only give a damn because we are trying to win. Which is the strangest and most psychotic war we play with ourselves and those that have wronged us.

Any and every falling out that I have ever obsessed over, only caused that reaction because the other person had some kind of upper hand on me. I do not wish to be the weakest link. Being the vulnerable one has never pleased me. I would rather burn the bridge than let you know that you broke through my tough exterior. Which is dumb. Fighting fire with fire only causes a greater damage. No one wins with fighting. Actually, winning is such a stupid concept. The only way to win is to not play. But, not playing means that you do not care about winning. For that reason, winning gets no satisfaction or validation.

Shields protect us from showing our vulnerable side. We create shields to keep out the creeps. However, that does not mean that creeps will not slip in through our blind spots. Creeps (AKA poisonous people) are part of life. We ought to not act foolishly around them. Though that is not realistic. 

Shielding ourselves prevents us from trying while simultaneously protecting us from getting hurt. Releasing or putting our shields up is such a gamble. I am continuously learning how to filter my shields when it comes to my relationships.

I am not very good at shielding myself to friendship. Although I have wonderful and kind-hearted friends now, I did not at one point. I sometimes overlook genuine friendships while accepting inauthentic admiration.

I am very good at shielding myself to romance. Even though, that sounds nice, I am no one’s “babe”. As of now, no man has been proven themselves worthy of seeing my shields completely down in this aspect.

I do not know whether or not it is good to have my shields up or down. The filter varies on the individual. I will make mistakes. I might not. But, so far, these are the observations I have made throughout my youth. 

Also, please check out the themed playlist I made about these topics. The songs featured in this playlist are the songs I listen to in recent months and are very important to me when it comes to encapsulating how I have been feeling. 

<3

- Vianey

Vianey is a twenty year old self-identified ranter who can be easily wooed by funny three-dimensional TV characters. When she is not watching sitcoms, bugging her pets, or dancing sporadically she posts every now and then on Kaleidehscope.

__________ THIS: APRIL 2016

via GIPHY
         

       Geez, spring has come along already, I turned 20 last week and things are getting crazy. 2016 has been a whirlwind of new opportunities, emotions, epiphanies, intrigues, insight and mystery and duuddde it's like already April! Like, what the fuck time? Slow down, yes? No... oh okay, I guess. Since time stops for no bitch I figured I'd compile a second __________ THIS list. Here goes nothing babes:

LISTEN TO THIS:

     Ladies and Gents and those who choose to refrain from the binary, as you know we will take submissions from any one of you and this month, my wonderful sista from another mista CASSANDRA TORRES has blessed us with her superb taste in music and compiled a playlist for you all, thanks babe. Listen, Dance, Sing, Enjoy:

READ THIS:

1.

2.

3.

WATCH THIS:

1. Iris (Documentary/Directed by Albert Maysles/Starring Iris Apfel)

2. Cake (Drama/Directed by Daniel Barnz/Starring Jennifer Anniston)

3. Boys (Drama-LGBT Film/Directed by Mischa Kamp/Starring Gijs Blom)

DO THIS: 

1. Dance in Public

via GIPHY

   
    Whether or it be at a club, a concert or even somewhere not conducive to dancing, let the energy         flow through you and as Lady Gaga has put it, "Just dance."

2.  Get Tested
 

   
    If you are a sexually active human, it is your responsibility to get tested! It might sound scary but        it's totally not because knowledge is power babes! You can locate a free testing facility here or ask      your personal doctor to have blood work done for a general check-up. If you live here in El Paso
     you can visit the Tilman Center/ The M Factor at 222 S. Campbell St. They offer a variety of              services including free rapid HIV and Syphilis testing. For more information you can call:                    915-212-0242

3. Ask Someone about their Story

    Take time out of a day where you doing nothing and sit down with a relative, a friend or even total     strange and ask them about themselves. Their dreams, their passions, or even the things they have       overcome. You would be surprised just how much people will open up if you let them and if you         genuine interest. For once allow yourself to get to know someone else other than your self. I tell, it
    will be extremely worthwhile.

SAY THIS:

1. To yourself:

    "I am alive so today I will allow myself to actually live. I am beautiful/handsome/on fleek, I am imperfect and that's okay, I have fears, many of them but today I will let myself be fearless for a short while because I am not infinite and that is also okay. While I am here, I deserve to be happy, while I am here, I deserve some peace, While I am here, I deserve love and I know that the love for me has to start with me."

                              Say it, then do it and please, please, please, believe it.

2. To a Friend/Significant Other/Family Member:

      "There are so many people on this earth so the fact that I got to be a part of your life is highly significant. Thank you. I love you."

WEAR THIS-Some Spring Inspo:

FOLLOW THIS: 

1. @SheerStomping
 

    "Not your average lifestyle blog." Kaleidehscope Mag adores you darling. Picture property      
     of SheerStomping.

2. @SunEyedGirls
 

 
      "a platform to inspire women to let their individuality speak for itself. Be you, be unique and love        yourself." Seriously follow them.
       Picture property of: SunEyedGirls

3. @GlamBoyJay

    "fierce mind, brave spirit, kind heart..." Learn how to contour and couture with this instafeed!               Picture property of @GlamBoyJay.

xoxo Babes, 

Jacob

Heartbreak-dance Party: A Poem, A Post and A Playlist

Let’s start this shit with a sad poem that I wrote almost 2 weeks ago:

I am not your heart

I am not your breath

But your heart is what I breathe.

In and out and In and out,

I crave you,

You left me, a crushed purple

A bruised blue;

I work tirelessly to make you see me,

To make you breathe me;

In and out and in and out

I leave no trace,

Traces complicate, they activate, they resonate;

And your heart is bound

 To breathe someone else,

And I’m troubled,

I’m achy

I’m tired

I’m faking

I’m wired

I miss you,

And I’m hoping,

I’m wondering

Do you miss me too?

I knowwwwwww: CLICHE, but guess what:

               I wrote this poem at a time that I was sad and feeling horribly out of tune because heartache hit. Often, I find myself thinking that things could have gone a lot better, I could have been a lot better but the fact of the matter is, I did everything I could. I am not going to lie, at 19, I already find myself open to long lasting romantic experiences but like the weather that want changes and sometimes I think maybe I just need to have fun, so I do. I have come to realize that I know nothing of what I want but I know what I’m open to and I at least have an idea. Heartache, each time it comes, makes you learn and realize different shit. Here’s what I learned this time around:

1.      I don’t need to play games, I just need to follow my intuition.

I used to be a person that relied heavily on rules. I liked reading the love columns in magazines or reading and studying books such as He’s Just Not that Into You but to be quite honest, those rules have turned from everything to nothing real fast. I don’t need to wait a certain amount of time to text someone, I don’t care if it makes them think I’m interested in them and eager to talk to them especially if that’s the fucking truth. I don’t need to hear from them first, if I want to talk to someone, then I’m going to talk someone, chances are they’re just as eager to hear from me just like I am from them. It doesn’t matter if you’re a straight girl or the fem gay or the lipstick (STOP THE BINARY), god damn it, if you want to hear from them, do your part. Of course I am not saying that there is not no way he’s just not that into you, sometimes he really isn’t but the fact of the matter is you know yourself, you know your expectations and if that person is not buttering your bread, so to speak, then LET THEM GO. But you don’t need these games to establish whether or not this is the case, all you need is to listen to you. If they want to play games, let them, make your life simple.

2.      I don’t need to hear from him all the time.

I am perfectly fine being patient. I am young and hunty there are other boys that want to talk to me. Sure, I’d prefer to hear from him within a good amount of time that I texted him or that I last saw him but I don’t neeeeeedddd to hear from him all the damn time. There was a point where I felt the need to be clingy but to be quite honest, I don’t know that boy anymore. He ceases to exist. I have realized that people need space just as much as I do and that I have to respect when they do. I’ll wait and I’ll be fine, unless it’s been two weeks…. Bye Felicia.

3.      I LOVE talking on the Phone, it is way better than texting.

I had never had someone call me on the phone before this guy and let me tell you, now I know why it was all the rave when it was. Texting is okay but it is nothing like talking. When someone calls you, it makes everything feel much more real. Calling someone when you’re dating says: “I want to hear your voice,” and not in the creepy way either. It sparks things up and it’s just amazing, definitely I want to date guys who will call me.

4.      You can be friends if it ends up going meh, it’s kind of hard, but you can make it happen.

Being friends is definitely not the same as dating and friending someone you’ve dated is definitely not the same as just being friends but it can work. I won’t tell you it’s easy, because it’s not. You see, the thing with me is, when I care about someone, I care about them and there is no way of letting that go. Things will change though and you have to be ready for that. You won’t hear from them every day like you used to, you won’t get to kiss them or flirt with them… I mean you can but know that it will totally complicate things if you do and there still not wanting what you want. You’ll see there selfies or pictures and it’ll be hard because you know that they might be doing okay without you but you have to realize that you’ll be okay without them in the capacity that they once held in your life. You don’t have to be best friends hanging out the time, but you can be good friends and you can make it work, just breathe and let things happen as they are supposed to. Don’t be unfair to yourself either and be friends with them if all your expecting is for them to change their mind about what they want in the future, that day might not come, so be realistic. Care for them but without expectation.

5.      Heartache is Heartache and it will always SUCK so dance it out!

Listen to this playlist, the lyrics are sad but the tunes are rad so dance on and know my love that you will be just fine and there are other amazing guys/girls out there that will give you maybe not what you want, but what you need just like all the ones before. To the amazing guys I’ve had the opportunity of dating (If you’re reading this), thank you, we may not have made it but I can’t say it wasn’t worth it. Now Listen to your hearts content my pretties!

             

Muah Dah-lings!

-Jacob

Clara's Picks: Best LGBT Films

Heterosexual, binary gender-norm saturated cinema culture got you down? Here are six underrated, wonderful LGBTQ films you won’t hear over Blue is the Warmest Color and Brokeback Mountain (classics for a reason, but we’ve all been there and watched that)! 

The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love (1996) 

Randy Dean, grease stained overall and dirty blonde hair, struggles to fit in her small town and pass high school. With her openly ‘alternative’, non-traditional family, love alludes her although she’s a romantic flirt. With only one gay, Latino friend, Randy is star struck meeting cute, rich, and popular Evie. Falling into a friendship, the film is blatant with high school shy glances, cautious flirting, holding hands, coming out to parents, and love. 

Patrik 1.5 (2008) 

[Swedish, but subtitled film]  

Raising a child is not the way Modern Family simplifies it. The opening scenes show Sven and Goran move into a suburban neighborhood, awkwardly coming out to all their neighbors. With interesting commentary on the stigmas against male-male partnerships adopting children, the film follows the couple as they decide to adopt. Finally allowed to adopt, they’re shocked to find the baby boy they adopted turn out to be a 15 year old, criminal, and homophobic boy. As their love relationship struggles, they learn about themselves, the culture they live in, and the boy that accidentally landed on their doorstep. 

The Way He Looks (2014) 

[Portuguese film, but translated or subtitles available]

Initially a short film, this film was recently extended in response to such a popular reception. The film follows Leonardo as he learns to become more independent from his parents and his best friend, Giovana. After new kid, Gabriel moves to town, he quickly joins their group, seemingly replacing Giovana as Leonardo’s best friend. Leonardo struggles to reassure and keep his friendship with Giovana while trying to understand his jealousy every time Gabriel spends with flirty Karina. 

I Love You, Phillip Morris (2009)

I love this film. I think it is the funniest, most romantic, twisted plot I have watched in gay cinema. Based on the true story of Steven Jay Russel, Steve is shown as an outcast from his family and mother. Adopted, he faces (humorous) rejection from his mother and looks incredibly bored while having sex with his wife. After a car accident, he decides to embrace his sexuality and comes out to everyone, leaving his family and job as a cop. After becoming a con artist and being arrested, he meets Phillip in jail. Enamored, he poses as a lawyer to get Phillip out and continues his con work in order to live lavishly in a love nest with Phillip. Although there is so much more to see, the ending (not a spoiler) shows that through thick and thin, Steven knows only one thing: He REALLY loves Phillip Morris. 

But I’m a Cheerleader (1999)

Gender-Norms! I say N, you say O, N-O, NO! But I’m a Cheerleader is a wonderful romantic comedy. Honestly it’s the film I relate to the most. The protagonist, Megan, with her football player boyfriend, cute blonde hair, cheerleader, beauty queen status, is shocked when her friends and family stage a Lesbian-intervention. How could she be…a lesbian? Sent to a gay reform camp, she meets Graham, bad girl embodiment that quickly sends her into a frenzy of sexual, *gasp* same sex attraction and antagonism. As they bond, Megan must decide between accepting social norms and being welcomed home or pursuing her attraction for Graham. 

Boys Don’t Cry (1999) 

This is NOT a film about a lesbian. Starring Hillary Swank, she plays Brandon, an anatomically born female who identifies as a boy. Dressed up like a cowboy, the film follows her attempts to find what it means to be a boy and people's refusal to accept her identity. Called words like “butch” and “dyke”, Brandon falls in love with a girl, Lana, in a small, Texas town. Be warned, this film is not light-hearted and is not intended to be so. There is blatant violence and rape scenes. Pushing the question of masculinity and the perpetuation of violence against people who defy the sexual norm and those who are raped, it is an unapologetic portrayal of the violence against transgender individuals. The film is based on the true, tragic story of Brandon Teena.

- Clara

Clara Acosta is a 20 year old on her way to a Froot state of mind. Grumpy most of the time, she's the sarcastic Debbie Downer of any group with an overtly sensitive set of feelings. Cradling Marina Diamandis and Florence Welch as the icons to worship, she's the friend well on her way to an existential crisis every Wednesday night.

Best Songs of 2015

2015 was a great year in music! I spent a lot of time on Spotify discover new songs, new artists. A lot of my faves released new music. And, mainstream songs crushed it!!

As to anything music related, I like to compile a playlist. Here are in my humble opinion the best songs of 2015.

The songs are in no particular order, however in order for them to be featured in this playlist they had to be released in 2015. Make sure to hit shuffle.

(I am more than willing to update it with suggestions with you guys, or if more songs get released. Here is looking at you Kanye. When are you going to release your new album? Did you collaborate with Paul McCartney for more songs?)

<3

- Vianey

Vianey is a nineteen year old self-identified ranter who can be easily wooed by funny three-dimensional TV characters. When she is not watching sitcoms, bugging her pets, or dancing sporadically she posts every now and then on Kaleidehscope.