So...Are You Gay or Not?

When I started high school, I crushed hard on a boy sitting across from me in chemistry. I had angst, I brooded, I tried and failed to speak to him, and the crippling blow: I daydreamed like crazy. After a semester of feelings, I moved on and realized with a peculiar twinge, that I hadn’t liked him that much. Like the masochist I am, I loved pining. I loved the chase, being chased, the banter, and flirting. 

It seemed though that my pining took it up a notch senior year. I had unwittingly put away in a box my attraction to women. And my heart was not going to let me live a life without experiencing my true sexuality at least once. It’s weird explaining this to straightforward heterosexuals. I’d imagine it’s hard to understand if never experienced. 

What do you mean you didn’t know you liked girls? Didn’t you ever think about them? How could that have barely clicked at the age of 17? 

Stray, but strong thoughts breezed past me ever since I was a little girl. I remember staring at my friend in 1^st grade. I remembered the constant panic in 2^nd grade having to unnecessarily reassure my mom that when I said I liked Jordan, I meant the boy, not the girl. But growing up your whole life never knowing you could have both cake and pie is weird. 

I didn’t feel gay. I had pined for my fair sure of good looking boys. 

I didn’t feel straight or bi-curious. Girls are so pretty and nice. 

Inevitably, I got to where everyone does: the “thin line” between straight and gay. For some, it becomes evident. Yes! The opposite sex rules! For others, my sex always did have everything going for them. It becomes a confusing mess for all others.

Although, I’d finally heard of bisexuality or at least being bi-curious through songs like Katy Perry’s I Kissed a Girl, it was still taboo. I judged myself. Why couldn’t I pick? I was just being slutty. How dare I even think about girls like that? NO ONE CAN KNOW. 

Senior year, I fell in love with a girl, but more than that I learned a lot about myself. Empowered with knowing that I was bisexual, I came out a week later. Although I love my parents, all you need to know about that experience is that being who I am continues to affect me 3 years after that night.

I felt broken by the experience and began to repress my bisexuality. I started identifying as a lesbian to reaffirm my relationship and my feelings. When the relationship ended, I realized that I never did stop being bisexual despite all the love and commitment I had felt for that person. 

I talked to a therapist about, among other things, my sexuality. It became a huge pillar to who I was. And if I didn’t know the answer to that, then maybe my feelings were invalid. Maybe I was a slut. And maybe, all the negative thoughts and feelings I had were right. 

While flying to Washington D.C., I was looking out the window thinking about that, trying desperately not to burst into tears. My gay angst knew no bounds as I listened to Let it Go. Once again, a song saved me. It became unnecessary to be so hard on myself. So maybe I was a lesbian! IT DIDN’T MATTER, I’D STILL BE CLARA FIRST. So maybe I was bisexual! STILL CLARA! Sitting in the plane, thinking about the distance from the negative people in my life and my problems, I realized I had myself in the end and I would love other people in my life. 

Their sex identity didn’t matter to me, because I knew that I’d always fall like I did for that boy. I’d chase like a stray puppy and get bored like a house cat when I had them. And soulmate or not, I had myself.

Figuring out your sexuality is very difficult and for many, it will never be an answer set in stone. You will always be moving side to side, up and down, on and off that spectrum. Your sexual identity is empowering when you realize that what you bring to it is what matters! People will question you if you reinforce or thwart your identity’s stereotypes. 

You’re a lesbian? Oh, my god; you’re so pretty though. 

You’re gay, aren’t you? Why do you act so feminine? Being gay doesn’t mean you have to act gay.

(Sidebar: What the hell does that mean anyways? Are heterosexuals tracking our behavior patterns or something? Watching us in the wild? God knows how many times I hear: omg I can spot a gay right away! Like we’re wild animals getting flagged down by hetero-safari trips. If you are on this hetero-safari trip, get off)

 

Knowing your sexuality is amazing, but so is knowing that you’re a complex, unique individual.

You do you.

The rest will follow.