Heartbreak-dance Party: A Poem, A Post and A Playlist

Let’s start this shit with a sad poem that I wrote almost 2 weeks ago:

I am not your heart

I am not your breath

But your heart is what I breathe.

In and out and In and out,

I crave you,

You left me, a crushed purple

A bruised blue;

I work tirelessly to make you see me,

To make you breathe me;

In and out and in and out

I leave no trace,

Traces complicate, they activate, they resonate;

And your heart is bound

 To breathe someone else,

And I’m troubled,

I’m achy

I’m tired

I’m faking

I’m wired

I miss you,

And I’m hoping,

I’m wondering

Do you miss me too?

I knowwwwwww: CLICHE, but guess what:

               I wrote this poem at a time that I was sad and feeling horribly out of tune because heartache hit. Often, I find myself thinking that things could have gone a lot better, I could have been a lot better but the fact of the matter is, I did everything I could. I am not going to lie, at 19, I already find myself open to long lasting romantic experiences but like the weather that want changes and sometimes I think maybe I just need to have fun, so I do. I have come to realize that I know nothing of what I want but I know what I’m open to and I at least have an idea. Heartache, each time it comes, makes you learn and realize different shit. Here’s what I learned this time around:

1.      I don’t need to play games, I just need to follow my intuition.

I used to be a person that relied heavily on rules. I liked reading the love columns in magazines or reading and studying books such as He’s Just Not that Into You but to be quite honest, those rules have turned from everything to nothing real fast. I don’t need to wait a certain amount of time to text someone, I don’t care if it makes them think I’m interested in them and eager to talk to them especially if that’s the fucking truth. I don’t need to hear from them first, if I want to talk to someone, then I’m going to talk someone, chances are they’re just as eager to hear from me just like I am from them. It doesn’t matter if you’re a straight girl or the fem gay or the lipstick (STOP THE BINARY), god damn it, if you want to hear from them, do your part. Of course I am not saying that there is not no way he’s just not that into you, sometimes he really isn’t but the fact of the matter is you know yourself, you know your expectations and if that person is not buttering your bread, so to speak, then LET THEM GO. But you don’t need these games to establish whether or not this is the case, all you need is to listen to you. If they want to play games, let them, make your life simple.

2.      I don’t need to hear from him all the time.

I am perfectly fine being patient. I am young and hunty there are other boys that want to talk to me. Sure, I’d prefer to hear from him within a good amount of time that I texted him or that I last saw him but I don’t neeeeeedddd to hear from him all the damn time. There was a point where I felt the need to be clingy but to be quite honest, I don’t know that boy anymore. He ceases to exist. I have realized that people need space just as much as I do and that I have to respect when they do. I’ll wait and I’ll be fine, unless it’s been two weeks…. Bye Felicia.

3.      I LOVE talking on the Phone, it is way better than texting.

I had never had someone call me on the phone before this guy and let me tell you, now I know why it was all the rave when it was. Texting is okay but it is nothing like talking. When someone calls you, it makes everything feel much more real. Calling someone when you’re dating says: “I want to hear your voice,” and not in the creepy way either. It sparks things up and it’s just amazing, definitely I want to date guys who will call me.

4.      You can be friends if it ends up going meh, it’s kind of hard, but you can make it happen.

Being friends is definitely not the same as dating and friending someone you’ve dated is definitely not the same as just being friends but it can work. I won’t tell you it’s easy, because it’s not. You see, the thing with me is, when I care about someone, I care about them and there is no way of letting that go. Things will change though and you have to be ready for that. You won’t hear from them every day like you used to, you won’t get to kiss them or flirt with them… I mean you can but know that it will totally complicate things if you do and there still not wanting what you want. You’ll see there selfies or pictures and it’ll be hard because you know that they might be doing okay without you but you have to realize that you’ll be okay without them in the capacity that they once held in your life. You don’t have to be best friends hanging out the time, but you can be good friends and you can make it work, just breathe and let things happen as they are supposed to. Don’t be unfair to yourself either and be friends with them if all your expecting is for them to change their mind about what they want in the future, that day might not come, so be realistic. Care for them but without expectation.

5.      Heartache is Heartache and it will always SUCK so dance it out!

Listen to this playlist, the lyrics are sad but the tunes are rad so dance on and know my love that you will be just fine and there are other amazing guys/girls out there that will give you maybe not what you want, but what you need just like all the ones before. To the amazing guys I’ve had the opportunity of dating (If you’re reading this), thank you, we may not have made it but I can’t say it wasn’t worth it. Now Listen to your hearts content my pretties!

             

Muah Dah-lings!

-Jacob