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Even though they tend to crush your soul, crushes are nice. As depicted by this wonderful Buzzfeed video, crushes feel like…
I usually try to be very low key about my crushes since my shyness and awkwardness tends to not be endearing enough to win the affections of those I fancy. However, like most girls, I have spent various hours fantasizing an ideal future with my crushes and/or overanalyzing the most recent interaction that I’ve had with them.
I’ll be honest, fantasizing and overanalyzing are not cute little harmless tidbits. They’re cruel and unfair thoughts to have because they create unrealistic expectations for others. It is highly unlikely for people to meet the expectations you've set for them. Not everyone is going to wow us the way that we yearn to be wowed. (Stupid ‘80s Coming-of-Age movies! They made me believe so many things. Cute boys don’t always go around making grand romantic gestures, John Hughes! (RIP) Gosh!) Once our crushes disappoint us by being human we will inevitably begin to feel devastated and disillusioned…
#SorryNotSorry Expectations are unfair for everyone. It’s a lose-lose! Take that one scene where Regina Spektor’s song “Hero” plays as Tom Hansen expects he and Summer to get back together in (500) Days of Summer.
The accuracy in this scene is brutal! Those “secured” expectations that Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s character has going into that party ended up making him sad and depressed for a really long time. (I refuse to discuss more about this movie since I love it too much to admit it’s problematic nature.)
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Let’s talk about where my unrealistic expectations of crushes come from: Grand Romantic gestures that hotties from 1980s movies did for their significant others.
I, like a large portion of the internet, love seeing pictures or videos of people doing grand romantic gestures for the ones they love. Things like creative wedding proposals or prom-posals are entertaining to watch. It warms our hearts like videos of puppies taking their first steps. However, we don’t talk much about grand romantic gestures that aren’t reciprocated without making fun of them.
We are quick to judge and call that girl stuck-up or rude, even though we don’t know her entire situation. Maybe it was too soon for him to be proposing. Or maybe she doesn't like him anymore because he doesn't listen to what she has to say. Whatever the reason she has for turning him down by hitting him with a small guitar please be aware that being turned down is not a bad thing. Sometimes we aren’t attracted to others that might be attracted to us. It happens. Science can better explain this with the Dobler-Dahmer Theory.
The Dobler-Dahmer Theory from How I Met Your Mother explains the effectiveness of grand romantic gesture by taking into account the most important but sometimes forgotten variable of crushes: How does the other person feels you?
"If both people are into each other, then a big romantic gesture works: Dobler, but if one person isn't into the other, the same gesture comes off serial-killer crazy: Dahmer.”
The Dobler-Dahmer Theory Hypothesis: If romantic interest is high, grand romantic gesture is more likely to be effective. Or if romantic interest is low, grand romantic gesture is more likely to be ineffective.
(Note: The Dobler portion of the theory comes from the popular 1989 movie “Say Anything” with John Cusack portraying Lloyd Dobler. If you’re not quite sure what movie this is, it’s the movie where John Cusack is holding a boom box up high playing “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel. This is Lloyd Dobler’s grand romantic gesture for his girlfriend Diane Court. It’s all very romantic.
Jeffrey Dammer, on the other hand, was an American serial killer. (Don’t google before going to sleep unless you want to be severely paranoid.))
So, let's say that you decided to take a chance and try out a grand romantic gesture with someone special.
If you took a chance and it worked. Good for you! I wish you well!
If you took a chance and it didn’t work…That sucks! However, please respect the other person’s decision. If they don’t feel the same way that you feel about them, then they don’t feel the same way that you feel about them. Contrary to what movies will tell you to do, there isn’t much you can do to change their mind. Please, don’t be creepy and leave them alone! Even though it didn’t work out, I hope that soon you’ll find someone that loves and appreciates your grand romantic gestures. Until then, I wish you well!
If someone takes a chance with you and you don’t feel the same way about them, then know that you DON’T owe them your affections. It’s flattering that they like you but, don’t feel like you’re stuck having to reciprocate your feelings. Don’t let others manipulate you into being in a relationship that you don’t want to be in! And, don’t lead others on! Be honest, stern, and unapologetic. Remember, you don’t owe anyone your affections!
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Now, I will end this article with a bunch of conundrums because that is what love looks like. A bunch of nonsensical explanations that will make sense to only those that were crazy enough to take a chance and it worked.
Even though crushes are nice, they are soul crushing. It's unfair to have unrealistic expectations of others however, don't let that stop you from expecting good things will happen to you. Screw people that are quick to judge and call stuck up or a head in the clouds for your thoughts on romance. Romantic gestures are only romantic to those that want romance with you. Don't get angry or creepy whenever someone doesn't reciprocate your feelings.
I wish you well. Now go listen to my "Realistic Crush" playlist on Spotify. This playlist is excellent for when you're crushing on someone or crushing bones. This is perhaps the most versatile playlist we've done yet.
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<3
-Vianey
Vianey is a nineteen year old self-identified ranter who can be easily wooed by funny three-dimensional TV characters. When she is not watching sitcoms, bugging her pets, or dancing sporadically she posts every now on then, mostly on Friday.
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